John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..