Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
You Might Also Like
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
me: i’m in the witness protection program
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.