John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:


John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?


I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?


me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program


SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane


*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?


I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.


Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.