John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Lmao
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”