John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!