@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

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@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

@PhuktUpScott

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

@chopper4jk

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

@BadMikeyBad

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

@illTortuga

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

@a_olivia4212

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

@Laser_Cat

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

@TheAndrewNadeau

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.