Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
✌️
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss