Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.