John: Hey Jude…

Paul: Don’t make it bad

George: Take a sad song…

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between

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I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.


I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.


Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.


I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.


My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.


[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08


Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.


Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?


“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*


You walk into my bedroom…

I’m laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.

You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.