@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

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@RunOldMan

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

@MelvinofYork

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

@iwearaonesie

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

@Laser_Cat

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

@andreeahluscu

Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.

@garrettbarry70

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.

@robfee

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

@michaelianblack

“Man of Steel” is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

@DepecheALAmode

Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.