I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7