@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

You Might Also Like

@WinningByARose

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

@MrGeorgeWallace

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

@Marlebean

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

@Darlainky

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

@TheHyyyype

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

@notorious_stars

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

@Anon_o_Mom

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

@bashfulcoward

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

@lazy_joe_

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician