JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Anyone want a chair?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.