John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I will never stop laughing at this
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*