JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Morning.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now