If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice