@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

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@jellybnbonanza

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@jujuhounds

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

@LurkAtHomeMom

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

@ClichedOut

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

@WittySassBasket

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@pharmasean

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?