JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.


Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.


5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.




5: whoever talks first is the loser.


Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?


No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.



CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius


He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”


“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?