@smithsara79

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

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@ThatMummyLife

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

@bourgeoisalien

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

@AmishPornStar1

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

@TheAlexP

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

@Ignorant_Indian

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

@dave_cactus

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

@TheBoydP

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.