John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
they split up moments later
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile