“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
-‘melancholy lake house’
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit