@smithsara79

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

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@UnFitz

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

@TheNuttyKiwi

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

@ShittingtonUK

Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.

@clindsaysway

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

@hippieswordfish

b-52’s songs:
-‘love shack’
-‘hate shed’
-‘sad tent’
-‘happy igloo’
-‘frustrated RV’
-‘depression garage’
-‘melancholy lake house’

@DadandBuried

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@ArfMeasures

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit