John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.