JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
You Might Also Like
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
best review i’ve ever seen
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache