@50FirstTates

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

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@flashember

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

@TweetPotato314

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

@ruinedpicnic

Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision

@TheWoodenslurpy

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

@FrogAvalanche

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

@ItsAnneMwaura

My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.

@ohheyohhihello

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

@mcclure111

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM