ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism