@50FirstTates

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

@Mr_Kapowski

Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out

@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@weinerdog4life

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

@DopeyMeme

Emailing teachers be like

Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*

Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone

@Havish_AF

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?