John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh