You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
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DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag