John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
You Might Also Like
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I hope it’s French Onion!
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay