Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
we’re dead?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.