Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.