The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!