Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M

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We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears


I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.


I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.


The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”


Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.


I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.


[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep


America is getting murder hornets

Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets


Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…