@Home_Halfway

Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M

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@weinerdog4life

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

@Rollmaninoz

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@hrtbps

The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

@jus4golf

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

@eslpaul

America is getting murder hornets

Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets

@NinjaFuneral

Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…