@Home_Halfway

Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M

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@cokeandcarbs

I don’t mind that at 35 I’m still placed at the kids table for every holiday…

Although it did sting when my 15yo nephew got the call up last year

@JenniferJokes

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

@venmo4feet

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

@Jake_Vig

Will I understand “12 Monkeys” if I didn’t watch the first eleven monkeys?

@The_Grant_Boldt

“Hi can I just have a single burger?”

I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship

“But that’s not eve-

Please show some respect

@trouteyes

BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

@TarekJan

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.

@TheAlexNevil

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.