I don’t mind that at 35 I’m still placed at the kids table for every holiday…
Although it did sting when my 15yo nephew got the call up last year
Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Will I understand “12 Monkeys” if I didn’t watch the first eleven monkeys?
“Hi can I just have a single burger?”
I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship
“But that’s not eve-
Please show some respect
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.
Me: ruin me for other men
*Two kids later*
Me: not like that
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.