johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*