Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.