Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.