Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work