Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room