Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.