@SaHreports

#JohnTravolta

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@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

@OtherDanOBrien

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

@Marlebean

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@Birdhumms

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”