@SaHreports
@KalvinMacleod
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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@KalvinMacleod
@OtherDanOBrien
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@Marlebean
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
@Dahmerscookpot
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
@ClichedOut
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
@krissywillbretz
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
@Birdhumms
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
@david8hughes
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
@realDonaldTrump
I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
@IdiotOlympics
Smh 😂😂😂
