the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
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The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
That’s fair
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax