WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
You Might Also Like
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.