What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.