I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.