Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
You Might Also Like
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Breaking news:
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric