imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
LMAO.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My Guy
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I need a headline like this