Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING