Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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Me: When does karaoke start?
Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.
Him: We noticed.
Me: This is the worst funeral ever.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason