joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone