Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.