[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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finally
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
💁🏻♂️
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes