[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

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I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.


if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it


“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”



[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…


When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.


[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table


If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.


I feel like life would be so much more enjoyable if punching bags and pinatas were strategically placed throughout the day


You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.