@HansGrubertron

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

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@delusions_of

I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.

@AndrewChamings

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

@WilliamRodgers

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

@panmidwest

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@bholejuice

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

@rebrafsim

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

@LOsepyan

I feel like life would be so much more enjoyable if punching bags and pinatas were strategically placed throughout the day

@AbbyHasIssues

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.