*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car