Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Holy shit he’s back
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…