Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming