@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

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@PhoenixRises69

It makes me sad that the closest I’ll ever get to ‘hulking out’ is splitting my trousers when I bend over.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

@heatherlou_

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

@trevso_electric

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

@eXentRic_

Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?

@alliewach

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

@choo_ek

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

@LivibelsDada

Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.

@AndrewNadeau0

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.