JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.