My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
You have been warned.
“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.