[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.


Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.


H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep


“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.


remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life


Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.


I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.


When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first


This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.