Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”