@PhilJamesson

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

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@ThisHotGarbage

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

@HeyZeus666

What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I’ll never hear the end of it.

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@PaperWash

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

@FinallyHeSleeps

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

@LePetitOiseau_L

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

@ericsshadow

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

@thenatewolf

Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.

Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?

Netflix: no