[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

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I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…


2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.


Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.


My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.


“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”


Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly


[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”


I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,