@PhilJamesson

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

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@myboots111

I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…

@ahamedweinberg

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

@gerryhallcomedy

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

@ellewasamistake

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

@Rollinintheseat

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

@VerifiedDrunk

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,