[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
No chill.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Aaaa…CHOO!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.