@PhilJamesson: [joker voice] one person steals a joke? they're a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that's a meme
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@geraintgriffith: "This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing." "What's that Sarge?" "Someone's building a pig."
@moooooog35: One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
@HeyoShellz: Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here
@XplodingUnicorn: How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.