@chuuew

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

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@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

@rockstarfish

Today, coworker deemed herself “unscareable”. Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

@JPLFR80

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

@GurjarShakti

Girl- send your pic.
Me – i hv a group photo with friends.
Girl- ok send.
Me *sent a group photo*
Girl – where are you ?
Me- clicking pic.

@BubblesnBooze

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

@HatfieldAnne

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldnโ€™t you bring a dog to an interview?

@AudreyPorne

I don’t understand how there are abandoned castles. who has a castle and just goes “nah”

@GrantTanaka

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]