@TheDairylandDon

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

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@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@ThisOneSayz

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

@nutsaremixed

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

@PatsATweetin

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

@pleatedjeans

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

@TheMichaelRock

I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.

@GrantTanaka

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

@MomOnFire

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

@david8hughes

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

@sixthformpoet

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.