Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is