I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Parenting is cheering on your kid鈥檚 winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I鈥檓 carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
A Short Story.
As the king鈥檚 food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
wanna know what鈥檚 worse than being cheated on? finding out he鈥檚 trying to cheat but nobody wants him 馃槶
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The fun thing about Airbnb鈥檚 is that you get to clean someone else鈥檚 house on your vacation
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.