Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*