@Dawn_M_

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

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@MatCro

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

@isabelzawtun

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

@EJGomez

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

@iwearaonesie

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

@lisaxy424

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

@KateWhineHall

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

@Sassafrantz

The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.

@tvandjam

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog