Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog