Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-