When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[At Wedding Ceremony]
Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.