Jokes on them. I took 10.
You Might Also Like
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”