@NippleHips

Jokes on them. I took 10.

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@TheSuccuBish

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

@ThisOneSayz

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

@clichedout

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

@Jerrypleasure

[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@TheToddWilliams

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

@TheSnideOne

Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.

@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.